It's been a long week. We are all finally feeling better. John even took Tuesday off work because he felt so sick and he NEVER does that. Seriously, the man has a beaucoup amount of sick time. Hopefully he'll never have to use it. Anyway, it's been a hectic week. Bible study Monday night. I had a nice "girls night out" on Wed. with the twins club ladies and we had fondue. Then on Thursday I get a call from someone who has become my best friend here in Wilmington (she has twins too) and her daughter was admitted to the hospital. She has been having breathing issues and had very labored breathing and wheezing. They think now it may be related to a heart condition that she has had since birth and will probably have to have surgery for. It looks like one of her lungs may be partially collapsed. She has VSD. She will also most likely have to have stent for a partially blocked artery when they do the heart surgery. Did I mention that she is 18 months old? I feel so bad for her parents and my friend. It was very surreal when I went for a visit at the hospital. The poor girl's breathing was SO labored; very fast, very shallow breathing. It was exactly like Andrew's was. It brought back flashbacks. Lindsay was telling me about taking Lily to the doctor on Thursday morning. At the doctor's office, they were concerned about her breathing and tried to give her breathing treatments to help her; didn't help. So, they decided after much talking that it was okay for Lindsay to drive Lily to the hospital herself instead of taking her by ambulance. That is EXACTLY how it happened with Andrew. Except that they insisted he be taken by ambulance to the hospital. I still get pissed at myself sometimes for not yanking him out of the office and driving him myself. The ambulance ride was AWFUL. They made him sit on the stretcher and did not let me hold him and he was scared and cried the whole way. When I knew my precious babe's life would consist of months, possibly weeks/hours of living, it absolutely KILLED me to hear him cry. Like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Each minute of crying seemed like hours and echoed in my head over and over. Was he crying because of normal baby stuff or because of the SMA and pain? I constantly asked myself that question. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it - it was hell. It made me physically sick and anxious and nervous and I felt like I was in a bad dream. It's not so much fun to revisit that time. I want to remember all of the good memories - those big, blue eyes, that sweet smile, the smell, our unbreakable bond. Please God, help erase the bad memories from my mind. Yes, I do treasure my good moments more now because of the hell I lived through with Andrew. In fact, I am able to be so completely "present" in the good moments and just feel so lucky and grateful. But was Andrew's pain worth that? No, not by a long shot. But it is because of him (my Andrew), and Him (my gracious God who actually let the Spirit work so much in my heart/life during that time that I was able to persevere) that I am able to fully embrace my present. And I am so thankful. Yes, even our darkest moments bring us to places of peace - if only we will let them.
So, back to Lily and Lindsay - I am hopeful that Lily will at least get out of the hospital tomorrow so that they can pursue appointments/treatments with the pediatric cardiologist in Chapel Hill. I just want her to be better. For a toddler to be stuck in one room for an extended period of time has got to be SO TOUGH. She needs room to run and play and be a child.
We picked up the boat today...YAY!!!! It really feels like a dream come true - especially for John. He's always wanted a Boston Whaler. I am really happy for him and for the boys because I think they will eventually get much enjoyment out of it. I hope it fosters many happy memories.
Being at the hospital also inspired me to pick up Andrew's Toybox and do something with it here in Wilmington. Not sure what yet. I might also try to reach out to family homeless shelters and help kids who stay there. I am impressed that John's parents, Danielle (John's cousin's Saint of a wife), and my mom are still doing the Toybox. John's parents have used the money/toys they have raised for lots of cool things - including mission work in Mexico and Peru for kids there. I feel so lazy - I have done nothing for a long time.
Lord, please be with all of the sick children. Children who are in hospitals, children who finished their last round of chemo today, children who are just beginning. Please comfort and protect them with a shield of your mighty love. Please be with their families who are struggling to wake up and face each day. Please be with those families who will receive a fatal diagnosis tomorrow and please celebrate with those who have beat the odds and continue to live. I remember these children, Lord, and I know you do too. Thank you for their lives and their spirits. Their beauty and their strength. Thank you for their precious souls and the lessons they teach us. May we make our world a better place because of them.
