Slow to Speak

There is nothing on earth that screams louder of a world in need of a Savior than the death of a child.  I learned this first-hand when I helplessly watched my baby’s lifeless body, placed in a moses basket, being carried out of our home and I felt this same pang of grief and outrage on Friday when I learned about the murder of 20 innocent 6 and 7 year olds.  

There is no verse in Scripture that gives me more comfort than the simple phrase of, “Jesus wept”.  It is the shortest verse in the Bible yet it speaks so intimately to my heart.  It was the death of Lazarus and Jesus mourned with Mary and Martha.  He held their pain and sadness.  He carried their grief.  He was moved with compassion.  He loved them and He too was crying.

When something like this happens, we try to make sense of what went wrong.  But it troubles my heart so deeply to turn on the television and hear people who publicly profess to follow Jesus say things like this tragedy happened because God is not in our schools.  It hurts to see Facebook friends hit ‘like’ to simplistic one liners stating, “It’s time to put God back in our schools”.  As Christ’s ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20) , we must be so careful what we say, especially as the world is watching. 

Just as Mary said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died”, we are saying “Lord, if you were at Sandy Hook, this would not have happened”.  Mary did not understand that Jesus was with her, that He learned of Lazarus’ death four days prior to His arrival.  Just as Job’s friends offered no comfort to him in his time of utter devastation, they assumed that his suffering was the result of his sin and his separation from God (and it was not).  Instead of helping Job bear his grief, they tried to explain it away and they left him feeling worse.  We would be wise to take the advice of Job to his friends, “If only you would be altogether silent!  For you, that would be wisdom” (Job 13:5)!  

Please, for the sake of these parents who have lost their children, do not expound their grief by implying or explicitly stating that the shooting happened because God is not in our schools.  Who are we to say that God was not at Sandy Hook Elementary on Friday morning (or prior to)?  Who are we to say that His Holy Spirit was not in the hearts of those teachers and policemen and those precious, innocent children?  Remember the Amish school shooting in 2006 when 5 children were killed?  Dare we say that God was not in their schools?  Their lifestyle reflects more of the life of Jesus than most Christians I know.  It is simply our pride that causes us to speculate.  We believe that we hold the answers of why this happened or why God did not intervene even though the Bible clearly tells us that God’s ways are “higher than our ways” (Isaiah 55:9).  

Even having lost a child, I can not fathom what the parents of these children are feeling.  My child died peacefully in my arms, while theirs died at the hands of a killer.  But what I can tell you is that after the cameras have left, when the funeral services are over, when the town of Newtown begins to live their new normal, these parents will be left weeping.  They will be left with the reality that while you may be hugging your children a little tighter, they can not physically touch theirs.  They will feel alone and isolated.   What they need is not for you to tell them, now or then, that this tragedy happened to their children because God was not in their school.  This phrase does not offer hope, or comfort, or even an accurate glimpse of the true God whose presence is not bound by man-made restrictions.  I believe Jesus  when he said that a child’s angel always sees the face of their heavenly father (Matthew 18:10).  God is near to our children and I would bet that He was especially near to the children in Sandy Hook Elementary on that frightful day.  

The difficult truth is that there is not a simple answer as to why this tragedy happened.  I suspect it is a complex web of reasons tied to a culture of gun violence and mental illness.  And yes, evil (Jesus taught us to pray against evil for good reason, Matthew 6:13).  But evil will only be overcome with good (Romans 12:21).  Personally, I will be calling and writing my representatives in Congress to ask for stricter gun laws.  I will do this because I believe it is the right thing to do and that only soldiers and policemen should have access to semi-automatic weapons and high capacity gun magazines.  I will do this because I believe that if we examine Scripture and the life that Jesus calls us to lead, it does not include picking up our weapons but laying them down.  As the psalmist said, my confidence will be in the Lord, not in “horses or chariots” (which were the weapons of those days, Psalm 20:7).  Is changing gun laws the ultimate solution?  No, it is not.  But I believe it is a good start and that we owe it to those children. 

When Andrew died I received a sympathy card from a woman who lost her sister in a car accident -- her sister died while she fell asleep at the wheel.  She has struggled feeling like this death was her fault and she told me that she pictured heaven as “complete understanding”.  I like to think of heaven this way.  Until then, I pray that we humble ourselves to know that our understanding is not complete.  And most importantly, that we “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15) while not offering simplistic or hurtful explanations to compound the pain of these families.  They do not need to hear that God was not in their school that day, they need to know that He was, and that He was also weeping, and that He loves them so, so much.  Jesus wept with Mary and Martha and Jesus is weeping with Newtown.  We would be wise to do the same.

My body the temple?

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body" -1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I have been under the weather for a week and not been able to exercise. My boys and I had strep throat and Luke broke his finger. It has been a week full of resting and trying to get better. A year ago, not being able to exercise would not have bothered me in the least. But now, I honestly feel that something is missing. I can see the negative effects in my body and my mood when I don't exercise. This is great progress for me.

I have never really understood the concept of my body as a temple. For many years I filled my body with unhealthy foods. Sugar, caffeine, and alcohol were regular parts of my diet. I hate to even write this because it is embarrassing, but I am certain that I was addicted to fast food. I would drop my boys off at preschool and hit up the nearest McDonald's for an egg mac muffin and a Coke. And I used to do this nearly every day. And at least once a week I would order cheese sticks from Pizza Hut. They were so yummy to me. My husband used to joke that my idea of heaven would definitely include cheesy bread. I would drink one Coke every day. I would limit myself to one, thinking that I was doing myself a favor by "only" having one. I would always indulge in dessert if it was available and I usually kept something sweet in the pantry closet. Are you getting the picture now? If you are feeling sick just reading about this, imagine what my body was feeling like by consuming all of this!

I wouldn't mention my McDonald's or Pizza Hut trips to my husband, or anyone else, unless I thought that they too were a fellow fast food junkie. It was rather embarrassing and so I wanted to hide it. I would never eat inside the restaurant. I would always take the junk to my car and eat alone. It was kind of an escape from the regular activities of my every day life. I couldn't see it then, but I was using food as an escape and depending on the food high to get me through the day. Instead of depending on God, I was depending on food.

Eventually, my body began to realize the effects of these poor choices. I found out that my blood pressure was high, as well as my cholesterol and triglyceride levels. My thyroid was not working and many of my vitamin levels were low. I was overweight and tired all of the time. I knew there was a better way, but could I find the self-control to make healthy changes?

I asked God for help. I am sure that He had been trying to make me see for a long time that I was slowly killing myself (yes, bad food choices actually will end up killing you!) I knew I was hurting myself, but I didn't understand that I was also hurting God. I saw for the first time that I was sinning. The negative effects of the food in my body also had a negative effect on my soul. I was not my best and therefore could not be of great service to God. I was not honoring Him with my choices. Christ died for our sins, and we were bought at a high price. Each time I put something bad into my mouth, I was destroying the very body that Christ died to save. Food was controlling me, not God.

A wonderful example in Scripture of the food we should consume can be found in the Book of Daniel. Daniel had been taken captive by King Nebuchandnezzar to Babylon. The King wanted Daniel and the other Israelites to forget God and serve The King of Babylon. The King chose him, as well as some other Israelites, to be trained for the King's service. He was to learn the language and literature of the Babylonians and be trained for 3 years. During this training, he had access to the royal food and wine but Daniel had resolved not to eat this food (which was not good for him). He was determined to eat only what God wanted for him. Even under great pressure, Daniel remained faithful to God's desire for him, and would not conform to the culture of Babylon. So Daniel pleaded with the guard that he and his friends be allowed to follow God's directive for them. Instead of indulging in food, they would indulge in prayer.

"Please test your servants for 10 days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see...At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who at the royal food" -Daniel 2:12-15

Daniel did not compromise, he ate how God intended him to eat, and he was healthy and strong! Because Daniel lived his life as God taught him, he was able to be used by God to interpret dreams, face trials and relay visions from God Himself. God was using Daniel to show King Nebuchadnessar who the real King was. His life is a demonstration of many things, but a very important lesson that I took from Daniel is that making healthy food choices allows us to be of better service to God. When our physical bodies are strong, we position ourselves to have clear minds to hear from God and to be used by God.

So, does this mean that I drink nothing but water and eat only vegetables. I wish, but no. But I can say that I have made an effort to majorly clean up my diet and prioritize exercise. I limit processed foods. I see it as an indulegence, not a daily staple. I stopped drinking soda. I don't eat dessert after every meal. I try to get my full servings of fruits and vegetables each day. I have begun to see my body as God sees it, as a temple, and I am attempting to treat it as such. I am not perfect, but I don't let one or two bad choices knock me off the path. The result? Physically I have lost 30 pounds, my blood pressure is back to normal, as well as my cholesterol and triglyceride levels. Thank you God! But perhaps the best benefit of all is that while I feel physically stronger than ever, I also feel spiritually stronger! In this area of my life, I have tried my best to follow God's way, and I have been blessed for it. I have more energy to live my life, serve my family, and serve God! My body, the temple? Yes, God, I now see it!

The Gift of Sharing Yourself

I was encouraged by a friend today. She shared her heart with me and by doing so spoke truth into my life and provided me with encouragement, without even knowing it! Here is a bit of her story: My friend and her family were supposed to move out of the country to pursue a passion that God had long ago planted in their hearts.  They had prayed about whether to make the move and as everything fell into place, they felt like God was presenting them with an opportunity to see this vision come to fruition.

But all of the sudden, circumstances changed and the type of mission work they were supposed to be doing is no longer an option.  This came as quite a surprise and disappointment to my friend.  But although the circumstances around their work changed, the vision and calling to which God directed them has not.  It seems that they are no longer being asked to do what God is asking them to do.  However, instead of questioning God's calling for their lives or jumping into an opportunity that may not be right for them, they are staying loyal to the directive God has planted in their hearts. All the plans have already been made for them to make this big move and perhaps it would be easier for them to follow through with those plans. Yet, they are choosing to follow God and His plan for their lives, despite difficulties.  In other words, they are not going to compromise God's directive for them.  By prayerfully saying no to this particular opportunity, they are saying yes to God and His calling for them!  I am just excited to see what the next step is for them and what God has in store!

This message rings very true for me today. After our adoption plans fell through in January, we have been questioning whether God truly wants us to adopt. It would be easier to give up, to say, "Okay, God, you must not want this, so we will stop trying". I could be very comfortable and content with where we are right now.  And surely, the Enemy has certainly planted all kinds of doubts in my mind  (such as I am not worthy of such a calling).  I have also received advice that we should just try to get pregnant, why would we want to go through such a heart-wrenching journey?  But to give up on the desire God has laid on our hearts, even though the circumstances are confusing, feels disobedient to His calling for us.  Deciding to adopt was not a decision that we easily jumped into.  Admittedly,  I could have very easily because I love being a mother.  But God wisely used John to push the brakes.  We stopped and prayed, thought, discussed, and then prayed, thought and discussed some more.  Ultimately, we felt God nudging our hearts that this was the next right step for our family; God was calling us to adopt.

After we were chosen by the birth mother, John and I thought, talked, and prayed about what our daughter's name should be. We had a hard time agreeing on a name, but finally settled on Aliyah. After choosing this name, we later learned that Aliyah in Hebrew literlly means "ascent or going up from a lower to a higher state". Aliyah, in Hebrew, also refers to the journey of the Jewish people into the promised land of Israel. It took the Jewish people 40 years to make it to the promised land! And I am sure they felt like giving up and thowing in the towel. It would have been much easier to stop the journey, but it would have been disobedient to the path God was leading them, that He had lovingly prepared for them. And so this name has become a symbol of God's calling for us, a symbol of our spiritual growth and journey toward Him, as we move forward with this adoption.  And, of course, this name became even more special to us after the adoption fell through.  When circumstances do not work out the way we hoped or planned, we may feel as if we want to give up instead of enduring a struggle.  But if Paul would have given up after being imprisoned for spreading the good news of Jesus, God's purposes would not have been fulfilled.  Just think of how easy it would have been for him to say in one of his jail cells, "Oh well, looks like it's not meant to be, I can quit preaching now".  But thank God he remained faithful to God's calling for him through an uneasy journey.  If we remain connected to God and sincerely desire His purposes for our lives, we must continue with total dedication for that which He is calling us, no matter what the costs.

Sometimes we may feel confused about what God is calling us to do.  But if we are faithful in prayer and seeking Him, we can rest assured that he will direct our steps.  That is a glorious promise of God!

So, as my friend shared her heart, she ended up sharing much more than that. She gifted me with encouragement about my own situation and a gave me a reminder of why God calls us to be in community with His people.  We are to share our hearts with one another as we follow Him. As we share, we never know what purposes God has for our story.  Something that we are facing just might resonate with someone else and bless them.  It is risky to share yourself, and definitely makes you vulnerable, but if we trust God then we will not go wrong.

 And just as my friend and her husband are staying faithful to the calling that God has laid on their hearts, so John and I must remain steadfast to the calling God has laid on our hearts. Following God is usually not the easy way out, but as we trust Him and walk with Him, and continue in our faith, God will continue to be faithful to us.  On our journey to the promised land, we must be willing to bear the cross, not just the crown.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths" -Proverbs 3:5-6

Last night while sitting with Luke at bedtime he told me that he now knows what he wants on his birthday cake.  His birthday isn't until December but I guess his wheels have been turning thinking about it because we went to a birthday party yesterday morning.  "What?", I said.  Then he proceeded to tell me what quite possibly may the cutest thing ever.  Enough to melt my heart:  "A picture of mommy and daddy"!  Oh, sweet one, you have no idea how much you are loved.

I think yesterday was as close to perfect as you can get.  John let me sleep in, we went to a birthday party, home to do yard work and boat cleaning (can't wait to get it into the water today!), laying on the hammock in the gorgeous weather while the kids played in water, then a date with the hubs at Deluxe (where I had tuna, my fave) followed by ice cream at Kilwin's.  Life doesn't get any better.  Thank you, Jesus!

Still waiting to hear about the BM and the choice she makes.  Praying it is our family but also praying that God's desire be carried out.  I am emotionally pregnant.  and it feels so good!

I just overheard quite possibly the most precious conversation I have had between my guys.  Or should I say profession of love by Bee?  Here's how it went down:

Brayden: I'm glad I have you.
Luke:  Why?
Brayden: Because we have fun. I like to talking to you.  And to have someone to play with.

Sweet boys, you are the joy of my heart!  Thank you for being the little person that you are; the little person who has such a HUGE impact on my heart and life.

I hate to complain but here goes:  it is cold and rainy and I am weary and tired of the cold and rain.  Okay, there is my official complaint.  I am such a wimp.  Sunshine is like a drug for me and I need more of it!  It makes my days and mood brighter.  I miss it.  dearly.

The boys just interrupted me.  They are working on a very important project in the dining room that is secret and that I can not see.  They needed the scissors for this.  I am fairly certain they are trying to cut bubble wrap but since it is top secret I don't know for sure ;).  They are so cute and very busy.  Bee will sometimes get up and say, "I have a lot of work to do today.  I am going to be very busy".  I believe someone wants to be like Dad.  He likes to follow him around and do what he sees him doing.  He stared so intently at John the other day watching his every move as he stood at the bathroom mirror to shave.  He is so wide-eyed and ready to learn all about the world! It is so awesome and such a gift to see!

Lately I have been thinking about these beloved words of Jesus:  "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it" (Matthew 16:25).  I used to think that verse just applied to extreme examples of people losing everything for Christ, like missionaries or those persecuted for spreading the news of Jesus.  And I think it certainly applies to those situations.  But it also has meaning for the "everyday" Christian, someone like myself, who seeks to follow Jesus in the midst of the ordinary moments of life.  I am learning that for a long time that I have been a slave to my feelings.  I love feelings and I have always been a big believer of expressing feelings, not hindering them or denying them in any way.  But too many times I have let my feelings dictate my reactions to situations, people, etc.. and it has not always been a good thing.  I am starting to evaluate my feelings and embrace them, yet ask myself if they are causing me to act in a way that is biblically based.  To deny myself, my feelings about any given situation, and to find the life of Jesus and to respond in a way that He would want me to.  It's very difficult sometimes!  And sometimes His way is exactly opposite of how I feel that I should respond.  But my heart is learning, albeit slowly, to trust in the ways of God not the ways of Gina.  I long to lose myself for Jesus.  To deny myself, my needs, my wishes, my feelings.   And look at him to define how I will react in any situation.  That is how much his words and life have meant to me.  I believe in Him and the healing power of His words and prescription for life -- much more than I believe in myself.  But not only do I believe it with my head, I am feeling it with my heart and wanting to act in ways that honor Him.  Thank you, God! Thank you for knowing what is best and for giving me the strength to walk in your ways.  May I always choose You over anything else!

So it has been about a year and a half since I last wrote. Many things have changed with the boys yet many things are still blissfully the same. I am still enjoying life and loving every day with my guys (husband included). The boys are now in preschool 3 days a week and they are thriving. They are such fascinating little creatures. Such big personalities each in their own right. They are so very different. Brayden is a bit more outgoing and loves to explore. Luke likes being by my side and loves to flash his charming smile. Each day they amaze me. Today on the way to school Bee asked if I could buy him a cloud maker. Such innocence. I would have loved to had said, "Why yes dear, here ya go", just to make him smile :) But I told him that no, only God is able to make clouds. He still inquired that I could just order him one off the internet. Ha, ha so cute. It was a good opportunity for me to tell him that THAT is how powerful God is, that he made the clouds, the trees, the oceans. It is hard for me to grasp such wonder! But I think he is starting to get it.

So John and I are aching to go on a mission trip, something that we loved to do pre-Luke + Bee. Especially after seeing a wonderful video that our church put together about all of the good work they are doing through God's mighty hand in Kenya. They have built an orphanage and are regularly sending teams over to be with the children and just love on them. But it is about a 14 day trip and I just don't see how that is possible right now. Especially since we are trying to adopt. We may need to pick up and leave on a moment's notice (O, please God, I ask not b/c of my righteousness, but because of your mercy). But I know that there are things we CAN do even if we can't pick up and go to Kenya right now. And I'm asking God to show me those things. One day I will get there, but in the meantime, my children and my life here in Wilmington is my mission field I suppose. And I thank you, God.