I'm a big blog reader. I love blogs.  The truth is I read more blogs than I'd like to admit.  So many people I admire and relate to.  I love diving into the intimate thoughts of other human beings and feel privileged to take even a tiny peek into their lives.  So much of life is a mystery and   somehow reading others' words help me to put the pieces together of the ever-perplexing, ever-beautiful puzzle.    I read this entry from one of the blogs I regularly read who happens to be a pastor in England.  It stirs up so many emotions in me.  Not a day goes by I don't think of Andrew.  I hate the reality of having a son who died.  He's gone and he's never coming back.  And as long as I live on this Earth I can not hug him, smell him, kiss him, hold him...the list is endless.  I often think of where I would be without his presence, his spirit.  I would give anything to have him back.  The memories of the funeral director carrying his frail little dead body out of our house in a moses basket will forever haunt me.  I wanted to grab him.  To take that basket, which held my son and run with it until I could run no more.  I wanted to scream so loud the entire world would hear.  I think I did.  It's all kind of a blur but I've never experienced such pain.  There are really no words.  I have a 1,000 rainbows.  I feel more happiness than I ever thought possible.  I am a blessed woman.  Yet, there is always THE PAIN.  The darkness of the loss.  The cloud that never leaves.  Anyway, here is the blog entry.  I thought it to be eloquent:

Finding The Right Words of Comfort

Finding The Right Words of Comfort

What does one say to distraught and grieving parents who have just buried their young child?

Truthfully, there isn’t much we can say that will help. We can express our sorrow and sympathy. We can offer words of care and concern, and of course, love. We can tell the parents that we shall pray for them. But for most of us, the truth is that we don’t know what to say.

I stood a short distance from the family, as mourners came to offer their condolences after the burial. And I watched and listened as people so desperately tried to convey their compassion over the tragic loss this young couple have just experienced.

Some fumbled with words then simply broke into tears. Others offered sentiments that some might consider to be inane or even cruel. ‘You’re both young, you’ll have more children,’ one woman offered. The couple were too lost in their grief to even comprehend what the woman had said.

Perhaps it’s because we don’t know what to say that we sometimes say the wrong things. In our distress with another person’s suffering we often feel that we must offer words that will somehow help move the grieving individuals along.

Personally, I feel there is much more of a spiritual connection and sentiment in the power of a silent embrace. No words are necessary to convey sharing the human emotion of pain and sorrow and loss. Especially when we all accept that there are no answers. And so we weep at what has happened. And so too - God weeps with us.

One elderly gentleman suggested that the child’s death was God’s will. I disagree. The God we worship, our God who watches over us, doesn’t will the death of children, or the pain of their parents. Many, many things that happen in this world are not the will of God. That is part of the price of the freedom we have been given by God.

I watched the couple stand in numb silence as an aunt told them that God wanted their son in Heaven with Him. While I am confident God has welcomed him into His kingdom, I am certain God did not want this child to die right now so that He could have him there.

Others continued to offer the same thought; that they were young and they could have more children. This may be true, but other children will never replace this little life. He was his own person. The empty place his death has left in their hearts will never be filled simply because they have another child. Nor should it be. Every child is unique and precious. I realise that people say such things with a desire to comfort the bereaved. They desperately long to find some way to help. May God Bless them for it.

But know that we are faced with a mystery - the mystery of life - and of death - in which there are no easy answers.

And for the grieving parents who may feel that no one will ever understand their pain...

God understands. He had a son who died also.

How did this happen?

It's been a while.  I'm tired.  Exhausted is more like it.  We are back to bedtime troubles -- something I thought we got rid of a long time ago.  The boys have decided that they do NOT want to settle down and go to sleep for either nap or bed time.  This does not make for a Happy Mama.  I want to be a Happy Mama.  Night Night guys, I say.  And that's when the crying begins.  They need one more kiss, one more hug, one more high five, one more tuck in.   The list is endless.... Let's just say I am not so great at 3AM high fives.  Mama needs sleep.  Perhaps God is warning me that now is not the best time to try for baby #4?  Those middle of the night feedings are tough.  I'm not gonna lie or sugar-coat it.

Other than our sleep(less) adventure things are actually great.  I'm very content and happy to be exactly where I am.  It's a great feeling actually.  When we lived in Nova I always wanted to move and kind of felt like we should be somewhere else.  I feel at home here.  In Wilmington, yes, but also with my life in general.  At home with my husband, my beautiful children, my friends, my day to day routine, my life outside of my family.  It fits together and I love it.  It's nice to go to sleep and know that there is really nowhere else in the world you'd rather be.  How incredible.  What a blessing.  Thank you, God.

Twin Love

Lots of cuteness here.  Yesterday was a quite a day for Brayden.  He ended up hitting his mouth on the corner of our bedside table and busted his lip.  It bled and bled and bled.  Then, I get the mother of the year award because I hit him in the face while all of us were throwing rocks into the pond.  Poor Guy.  This was just an hour after the bedside table episode too!  Before the rock throwing incident, John, Luke & I were all in the kitchen yesterday eating dinner.  John says, "Brayden, where are you?".  To which Bray replies, "in the dining room".  "What are you doing?", John asks.  "Hanging out", says Brayden (like, duh! Dad!)  Then he follows with a "I busy".  Oh, okay.  Our bad.

Luke is really taking an interest in trying to figure out how things work.  He likes to take them apart and put them back together.  Anything that requires careful hand work he likes.  Our little engineer.  He is also talking a lot more lately.  I love every minute of it too.  He has also been showing Brayden much care and concern lately.  It's sweet.  OH.  I just remembered this.  it's the best!  Here goes:

The boys have been obsessed lately with pulling out their Elmo couch and sleeping on it (it makes a nice little bed).  They always fight over who's turn it is.  So, the other night before bedtime, it was Luke's turn and they were just getting ready to hop into bed and Luke asks me to move the Elmo couch.  I ask him where and he says "over here".  It happened to be RIGHT NEXT to Brayden's bed.  Soooooooooooooo sweet.  And it was still in the same spot when I came in the next morning.

They are quite a pair.  They talk to each other all the time.  John & I are always saying that it must be so neat to grow up with a friend, a best friend.  They look to each other for everything.  They always must know what the other is doing.  They have fun together.  Lots of laughs.  Yes, lots of pushing and tears too but it just makes their relationship real (and stronger).  What an honor it is to see them grow up together.  It makes me wonder about having another child and if that child will feel left out of their "special bond".  Especially if we were to have a boy.  Who knows?  That's all in God's hands, I suppose.  I'm not going to worry about that; I'm simply going to enjoy and embrace their special relationship.  It's a gift - not only for them but for our family.

I feel better now Mommy

I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted...shameful!  Or a sign of how busy we've been?  We have had house guests for the past 3 weeks and more this weekend.  What a blessing. Luke and Brayden are surely loved.  Cousin Raegan, Aunt Leigh Anne and Uncle Chris visited and I will have to post some pictures soon.  Aunt Karen and Nanny were here too.  Good times.  

I actually need to tend to bills, laundry, and cleaning the kitchen but I had to jump on here and write this down.   I never want to forget.  I have so many moments throughout the day of raising the boys that are just so incredibly beautiful I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it!  I know, I know....I'm one whipped mama.  Anyway, so here goes:

John was home for the first time in a few days so it was DADDY MANIA and ALL THINGS DADDY when he stopped working tonight.  They follow him around like he is a superstar.  In their eyes, he is.  It is actually the sweetest thing.  I told him the other day to enjoy every minute because it will not always be this way.  Anyway, back to the story - when John stopped working we ate dinner and then let the guys ride their tricycles out on the street as John & I walked beside them.  This is a new endeavor for them by the way (thanks to John's friend, Farris, but that is a different story!) and they think they are "hot stuff" when they ride on the street.  I think it makes them feel so big.  They love it.  Anyway, we had alot of time with Daddy and after the ride we came back upstairs for pajamas, brushing teeth, story, and bed.  John needed to go fill up our boat with gas and drop it in the water b/c we have family coming in tomorrow to stay the weekend and we really wanted to get it done so we can take it out to dinner tomorrow night.  When John tells the boys he has to go run an errand poor Brayden gets REALLY upset.  SCREAMING UPSET.  John decides to stay (we debate about whether this sets a good precedent - "I scream and Daddy stays" but whatever...) and put on his jammies.  He does this and Bray cries again but this time Daddy leaves without a long goodbye.  Brayden then says to me "Mommy, I wanna snuggle".  I say "sure sweetie, come here" and he wants me to wrap him up in his blanket (for the past couple of days we've been doing this thing where I wrap them up in their blankets "like babies" and sing rock-a-bye baby).  I hold him close on my lap and just hold him and hold him and rock him back and forth.  And then he looks up at me and says, "I feel better now Mommy".  My heart melted.  I love my son.  I love my family.  I love motherhood.  What an honor to watch these little guys grow.  Who knows what will happen or how their lives will play out.  I imagine they will have a lot of laughs and some heartache mixed in there.  They will probably play with different identities and try on different friends.  The list of possibilities is endless. I'm sure John & I are in for the ride of a lifetime.  But no matter what, they will always be my babies.  They will always be loved.  I hope to one day help them figure out just how valuable they really are.  How precious and unique. And that they each have God-given abilities that are a little different from anyone else's in the world.  They will not solve the world's problems, but I want them to know they matter and they can make a difference.  

Checking In

Just a few words from the vocabulary of Bray & Luke:

mies (like spies) = mine

inky = blanket

pappy = pacifier

broder = brother

helichopter = helicopter

snack = breakfast, lunch, or dinner

hold you = hold me

tuck you in = tuck me in

nake = snake

A favorite phrase of Brayden's is "I want this, or I want that" (you can substitute this and that for whatever strikes his fancy at the time). When he's really getting desperate it turns to "I need this, or I need that".  

Today on the way to preschool Luke was throwing a big, fat fit for no particular reason that I could gather.  He seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  It was Battle Royale to get him dressed and fed and out the door.  Good times.  He wouldn't hear of putting on his shoes or socks before we get in the car.  Okay fine.  You win that one.  He was in the car and starts screaming and screaming for his pappy.  And I said, "Honey, you know we don't have pappies in the car".  Then it was his "inkie".  "We don't have inkies either honey", I say exasperated.  Then he screamed for "Elmo, Elmo", a little red furry monster that he sleeps with.  No Elmo either, sorry sweetie.  Finally, as if grasping for straws, he starts screaming "Mommy hold you".  He had big alligator tears and the cutest, sweetest look on his face from what I could see from the rear view mirror.  My heart melted.  I pulled over and held him for five minutes.  Okay, so waht if I was 4th on the list of comfort items?  It was one of the best cuddles ever and I will happily take it whenever I can get it.  He was happy as a clam all the way to preschool.

If I could only solve his life's problems that easily......

We remember them

It's been a long week.  We are all finally feeling better.  John even took Tuesday off work because he felt so sick and he NEVER does that.  Seriously, the man has a beaucoup amount of sick time.  Hopefully he'll never have to use it.  Anyway, it's been a hectic week.  Bible study Monday night. I had a nice "girls night out" on Wed. with the twins club ladies and we had fondue. Then on Thursday I get a call from someone who has become my best friend here in Wilmington (she has twins too) and her daughter was admitted to the hospital.  She has been having breathing issues and had very labored breathing and wheezing.  They think now it may be related to a heart condition that she has had since birth and will probably have to have surgery for.  It looks like one of her lungs may be partially collapsed.  She has VSD.  She will also most likely have to have  stent for a partially blocked artery when they do the heart surgery.  Did I mention that she is 18 months old?  I feel so bad for her parents and my friend.  It was very surreal when I went for a visit at the hospital.  The poor girl's breathing was SO labored; very fast, very shallow breathing.  It was exactly like Andrew's was.  It brought back flashbacks.  Lindsay was telling me about taking Lily to the doctor on Thursday morning.  At the doctor's office, they were concerned about her breathing and tried to give her breathing treatments to help her; didn't help.  So, they decided after much talking that it was okay for Lindsay to drive Lily to the hospital herself instead of taking her by ambulance.  That is EXACTLY how it happened with Andrew.  Except that they insisted he be taken by ambulance to the hospital.  I still get pissed at myself sometimes for not yanking him out of the office and driving him myself.  The ambulance ride was AWFUL.  They made him sit on the stretcher and did not let me hold him and he was scared and cried the whole way.  When I knew my precious babe's life would consist of months, possibly weeks/hours of living, it absolutely KILLED me to hear him cry.  Like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  Each minute of crying seemed like hours and echoed in my head over and over.  Was he crying because of normal baby stuff or because of the SMA and pain?  I constantly asked myself that question.  I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it - it was hell.  It made me physically sick and anxious and nervous and I felt like I was in a bad dream.  It's not so much fun to revisit that time.  I want to remember all of the good memories - those big, blue eyes, that sweet smile, the smell, our unbreakable bond.  Please God, help erase the bad memories from my mind.  Yes, I do treasure my good moments more now because of the hell I lived through with Andrew.  In fact, I am able to be so completely "present" in the good moments and just feel so lucky and grateful.  But was Andrew's pain worth that?  No,  not by a long shot.  But it is because of him (my Andrew), and Him (my gracious God who actually let the Spirit work so much in my heart/life during that time that I was able to persevere) that I am able to fully embrace my present.  And I am so thankful.  Yes, even our darkest moments bring us to places of peace - if only we will let them.

So, back to Lily and Lindsay - I am hopeful that Lily will at least get out of the hospital tomorrow so that they can pursue appointments/treatments with the pediatric cardiologist in Chapel Hill.  I just want her to be better.  For a toddler to be stuck in one room for an extended period of time has got to be SO TOUGH.  She needs room to run and play and be a child.  

We picked up the boat today...YAY!!!!  It really feels like a dream come true - especially for John.  He's always wanted a Boston Whaler.  I am really happy for him and for the boys because I think they will eventually get much enjoyment out of it.  I hope it fosters many happy memories.  

Being at the hospital also inspired me to pick up Andrew's Toybox and do something with it here in Wilmington.  Not sure what yet.  I might also try to reach out to family homeless shelters and help kids who stay there.  I am impressed that John's parents, Danielle (John's cousin's Saint of a wife), and my mom are still doing the Toybox.  John's parents have used the money/toys they have raised for lots of cool things - including mission work in Mexico and Peru for kids there.  I feel so lazy - I have done nothing for a long time.  

Lord, please be with all of the sick children.  Children who are in hospitals, children who finished their last round of chemo today, children who are just beginning.  Please comfort and protect them with a shield of your mighty love.  Please be with their families who are struggling to wake up and face each day.  Please be with those families who will receive a fatal diagnosis tomorrow and please celebrate with those who have beat the odds and continue to live.  I remember these children, Lord, and I know you do too.  Thank you for their lives and their spirits.  Their beauty and their strength.  Thank you for their precious souls and the lessons they teach us.  May we make our world a better place because of them.

Hurry up and be over!

Still fighting sickness here.  NO FUN.  Thank God Mom and Karen ended up  making a last minute trip down here to "see the guys" (as they say).  It was a big help.  We had to take Luke to Urgent Care this morning because he had a 103 temperature when he woke.  Looks like it's a viral infection so we'll just have to wait it out.  Lots of tylenol and some dimetapp seem to be helping.   That's about all I can share for now.

Germs Strike Again

Brayden & I are sick.  He came down with a fever yesterday after nap.  I can keep it at bay with Tylenol but it is clear that he still does not feel well.  Poor Guy.  When he woke yesterday he just wanted to be held and rocked.  I cherished the cuddle time.  On the other hand, Luke was feeling fine as a fiddle and REALLY wanted to go outside to play.  Bray wasn't having it and I don't blame him.  I tried to explain to Luke (about a thousand times) that his brother did not feel well and we needed to stay inside.  He tried to be patient but I swear that boy has ants in his pants sometimes.  Anyway, when Bray's Tylenol kicked in he decided he wanted to go outside too so there was peace in our home again.

Mom mentioned she may come down this weekend for a quick visit.  Karen would come too.  It would be nice but I'll be surprised if they make the trip.  

John is taking *dare I say* our boat out for a sea trial on Saturday....can't wait!  Even though I won't be joining him I am super psyched!  I love Wilmington soooo much.  Yesterday after John stopped working we put the boys in the stroller and walked over to the "big water" (that's what the boys call it).  It's really the the neighborhood's boat ramp on the intra-coastal waterway.  It was so beautiful outside and it was great just to look at the water and take in the breeze.  Very thankful for those moments.  We were saying that if we were still in Nova that could not have happened.

We have a commitment tonight that I can't/do not want to cancel.  I'm really hoping to feel better by then.... 

Florida Visit

I am trying to find out how to place pictures in the order I want them.  Anyway, here are some pictures from our visit to Florida:

Cute Dookie playing at Gatorland

Raegan & the boys

Aunt Karen & Bray

Our Family Princess

Aunt Leigh Anne with the kids

Bray just because it's cute

Easter Fun

Good Friday or Mourning Friday?

I am fasting today for Good Friday.  I was able to do it last year and I will do it again this year.  A small sacrifice to make on this day; I shouldn't complain, but I do a little bit.  I am such a food lover it's difficult to make it through the day but then I think about what this day is all about and realize that this sacrifice is not even a drop in the bucket comparatively.  I've always wondered why they call it "Good Friday".  I guess ultimately good came from the horrible reality of the crucifixion.  I did some research and here is what it says: "Calling the day of the Crucifixion ‘Good’ Friday is a designation that is peculiar to the English language. In German, for example, it is called Karfreitag. The Kar part is an obsolete word, the ancestor of the English word care in the sense of cares and woes, and it meant mourning. So in German, it is Mourning Friday. And that is what the disciples did on that day—they mourned. They thought all was lost.

I’ve read that the word good used to have a secondary meaning of holy, but I can’t trace that back in my etymological dictionary. There are a number of cases in set phrases where the words God and good got switched around because of their similarity. One case was the phrase God be with you, which today is just good-bye. So perhaps Good Friday was originally God’s Friday. But I think we call it Good Friday because, in pious retrospect, all that tragedy brought about the greatest good there could be.

I can see virtue in either terminology. If we call it Mourning Friday, as in German, we are facing reality head on, taking up the cross if you will, fully conscious that the Christian walk is seldom a walk in the park. But if we call it Good Friday, as in English, we are confessing the Christian hope that no tragedy—not even death—can overwhelm God’s providence, love, and grace. Either way seems fine to me!"

Tomorrow morning we are going to an Easter Egg Hunt at Mayfaire Town Center and meeting up with some other moms.  It will be the guys' first egg hunt.  I'm not sure if they will get run over by the bigger kids but I plan to bring some filled eggs of my own so if that's the case we can hop on over to the side or something and have our own little hunt.  We will also try to hit the beach tomorrow or Sunday.  Saturday night we are going to church for the Easter Service to avoid the Sunday crowd.  Then we're supposed to go out to eat with my cousin, Jesse and his wife Cori.  Should be a fun weekend.

We had a play date this morning with TRIPLET boys who are 2.5.  Benton, Charlie & Campbell.  Quite a threesome.  They are identical and sooooo cute.  And soooo energetic!  I think the boys were quite shocked and didn't know how to interact with them.  They were outnumbered!  That has never happened to them before!

After they left we had twin girls come over.  They were supposed to be at our house a little earlier but they got tied up.  Anyway, by the time the girls came Luke & Bray were a little frazzled!  It took so much energy for them to play with the boys!

Brayden has such a tender heart.  While the triplets were here, we all went into the boys' room so their Mom could change one of their diapers.  The train table is in Luke & Bray's room and it was a big hit with the Tucker boys.  I said something like, "I think your friends like the train table" and Bray thought for a minute and then said "Friends can take train table home".  It was SO SWEET.  

I made the boys and twin girls lunch and chatted with their mama.  It was fun.  By the time everyone left and the boys went down for nap I was beyond fried.  Seriously.  I just needed a few minutes of QUIET.  SILENCE.  PEACE.  Ahhhhhhh...it was heaven.  And as soon as I start to fall into a sleep, "Mooooooooooommmmmmyy".  It is SO hard to get up when you are just about asleep.

The boys are really getting into pretend play now.  They like to "drive" places and come back.  Typical places they go other than work is church, going to pick up Thomas & Percy, school, Ella's.  Today they used their Jay Jay the Jet Plane storage bag as their suitcase.  Bray left the room and said, "Bye, lub (love) you".  

Luke told his Ganma (short from Grandma, John's mom) that he needed to go potty today.  He took her by the hand, straight to his potty, preceded to take his pants off, and sure enough -- pee came out.  Does this mean I have to potty train now?  All the moms tell me that "boys are harder" and they are not trained until they are three.  My guys are barely two.  I do have some big boy underwear they like to play in.  We have played around with the potty but that's about it.  I have such cute pictures of the guys in their underwear but since this is the internet and all and since I could have a crazy stalker person out there, I'll just post one little pic.  Cute enough to get the idea!

I really do not understand how the triplet's mom does it.  I am beyond baffled at how she keeps her sanity.  She seems like such a patient, kind mom.  It's like the show Jon & Kate, Plus 8.  I LOVE that show!  I am amazed at the strength of that woman.  Sheer strength and energy.  And Love.  Lots of love.

Dad, I miss you

Today while watching John's Dad with the boys it hit me like a ton of bricks that my Dad isn't here to share in the fun.  I would have loved to have seen him with the boys.  I think he would get a kick out of them and he would finally have that boy he probably always wanted but never admitted to.  What would he do with them?  How would he play with them?  How would he talk with them?  I'll never know.  I only know that he would have loved them and I guess that has to be good enough for me.

Dad, I often think about you but rarely mention you.  I don't have to.  Your girls never have you far from their thoughts, including me, your youngest and best (just kidding).  I love you and miss you.  You'll always be big and strong and smart in my eyes.  And I'll always be your little girl.

Need Sleep

Why does my entire body scream BED and yet I find myself still awake until the wee hours of the night?  

I'm re-discovering the Dixie Chicks and I can't stop listening to "I Believe in Love", "Landslide", and "Top of the World".  I haven't even played "Travelin' Soldier" yet but I know that could keep me up all night.  I downloaded a couple of Alison Krauss songs tonight but I can't go there right now.  Her voice is so beautiful it makes me teary.  Okay, enough of that.

Good day with John's parents.  We went to the mall and let the boys play and ride the carousel.  They had a blast and are eating up every bit of attention they are getting from their doting grandparents.  They also spoiled them with lots of presents today.  They had a nice dinner and cookies for dessert.  Lots of hugs, kisses, tickling, etc...  I would say that's a pretty darn good day for a two year old.  

My first attempt at making videos.  I hope to get better as time passes and I have more practice.  It was actually alot of fun to make and I have all sorts of ideas running in my head now about what I want to do.  I LOVE MACs.  

So...we made it back from FL in one piece and with sanity in check!  Is it wrong that I was a little worried?  Two two year-olds trapped on a plane was a little intimidating for me but they did much better than I anticipated.  The way down was a little crazy toward the end but the way back was much better.  Bray slept almost the entire flight on the way home.  They had a good time meeting their "Cousin Raegan" and seeing Leigh Anne, Karen and Nanny.  They also slept fine in the hotel.  Even though we were gone for four days it seemed like a short trip because basically two whole days were spent traveling.  We had a low-key first day just hanging out together and then the second day we went to Gatorland.  They had a BLAST!  The whole way home they kept saying that they "rode Thomas" (or Momas as they both call him).  I will try to post some pictures from our trip in the next post.

I took Bray to the doctor today to see about his breathing issues.  I can't remember if I wrote about it before but he goes into coughing fits after alot of activity and he had one at school last week where he had trouble catching his breath.  Bray + Doctor = Lots of Screaming (the entire time).  He hates the doctor.  I thought he would be a little better this time because we have spent alot of time talking about doctors and reading a book about Elmo going to see the doctor.  I also brought his "papi" (pacifier) and "inkie" (blanket) but none of these things really seemed to make much of a difference.  The doctor always nice about it but he must find it challenging to really think with a SCREAMING child.  I guess he's used to it?  Anyway, it turns out that he most likely has exercise-induced asthma but we will not know "for sure" until they can run some tests.  However, because of Bray's age and his issues with going to the doctor, the doc doesn't think there is any way in the world that he would be "cooperative" with the tests.  Yes, doctor, I absolutely agree 100%.  So, we did alot of talking about the symptoms and family history and he listened to his lungs for a long time.  We have an inhaler to use if he goes into another coughing fit after activity.  Dr. Edwards said that not all people with asthma have the classic wheezing and that many have a large amount of coughing.  So, the sound of his lungs + the family history (John had asthma as a child) + the episodes of coughing he has at home and at school = a diagnosis of activity induced asthma and the inhalers.  We'll see if it helps.  I sure hope it does.  It's actually a really cute inhaler with a little Duckie mask.  I might try to take a picture of it.  Brayden asked about his brother many times during our trip to the doctor and apparently Luke did as well (he was with Shannon).  I think they really find it odd to be separated.  Very interesting.  Did I mention Dr. Edwards is one fine looking man?  Just had to get that one in there.

John's parents will come for a visit tomorrow.  Unfortunately John is out of town and will not be back until Saturday.  Kind of a bummer since his parents will be here.  I hope to get a few things done around the house while they are here.  We'll see....

Two Year Olds at Work

Oh - I must add because I don't want to forget.  It's so precious and sweet!  The boys have two little red cars that they play in. They get in the cars several times a day and I always ask them where they are going.  Lately the answers have been work (the most common), Trooper's (Cooper's) or Ella's.  However, because Daddy is on a "work trip" this week now the boys tell mommy when asked where they are going that they are indeed going on a "work trip" and also to "airport".  Ya think they want to be like Daddy?  God love them.  They also like to come in and out of a room saying when they leave that they are going either to "work" or on a "work trip" and they'll say "bye, love you" and then come in less than a minute later saying they are "off work now".  And then they'll say "Brayden's Home" or "Luke's Home" - yes, we usually say "Daddy's home".

I want to keep these moments forever in my heart and mind.  Once again, thank you Lord.

Gators Here We Come!

We're off to Florida today!  The boys are excited and so am I.  We'll go to visit Leigh Anne, Raegan & Chris and Mom and Karen will meet us there!  YAY!  I can't wait to see my niece.  I feel so bad that I have not seen her since she was about 3 months old.  Leigh Anne said that she took 3 steps yesterday!!  The boys have said several times that they will "see Cousin Raegan".  So sweet.  It will be a short trip - I'm a little nervous to fly with the boys but it is a direct flight and we've tried to get them excited about "flying Jay Jay's friend" (Jay Jay the Jet Plane that is).  I think they are looking forward to the adventure.  We'll just see how they do with only napping in the car and the plane (fingers crossed for that).

Still Kicking

I can't believe I'm posting this on my brand new Mac computer! I am BEYOND happy! So far I LOVE it except that I can access everything except my Gmail. Busy couple weeks. Boys are doing great. Last weekend we went to Airlie Gardens and the boys explored the gardens and had a blast sticking their hands in the water fountains. Then we went out to lunch and they didn't go down for nap until like 2:30!!! They were a bit hyped up but were still able to get to sleep - they are SO much more flexible than they used to be! We also got our new swing set yesterday thanks to Great Grandpa & Grandma Bowen. The boys are having a blast on that thing too. I told the boys who it was from and then a couple hours later while B was playing on it he say "from Ranpa in Heaven"...so sweet! And then he always follows it up with "Broder Andrew in heaven too". I have court tomorrow and then a twins club event on Thurs. night and then Fri we leave to go to FL to see Cousin Raegan and Aunt Leigh Anne and Uncle Chris! Can't wait! I'm a little nervous about the flight but I'm trying to put together a goodie bag to hopefully make things run a bit more smoothly. John's parents will be visiting a couple of days after we get back.

Go Obama~!

Gotta go figure out how to use this computer.

It's Nap Time, Brother

All is well. Bray took a tumble yesterday and cut his lip and blood was flowing everywhere. It really scared him and he talked about his "boo boo" the rest of the day - poor babe. He's also very smitten with Jay Jay the Jet Plane lately. He woke up from nap today asking to "find Jay Jay in sky". It was sooooo cute!

Dookles is sweet too. He ate like a horse today and I loved every minute of it! I love to see the little boy eat. I worry about him. He also is obsessed with carrying around my old cell phone in his pocket. I mean he takes it EVERYWHERE. He even sleeps with it. He likes to take it in and out of his pockets to "make calls". His tantrums are still there but *dare I say* they are seeming to become less intense. John & I are making a serious effort not to pay them one.bit.of.attention. Nothing. I think it's helping.

The beds are still going very well and they are very fond of their big boy beds. They do like to play before bed and nap time and I like to hear them over the monitor. The other day at nap time they had played for about 30 minutes. I kept hearing "take a walk, take a walk" "brother take a walk". I think they were just kind of walking all around the room. Dookles actually went out the door for a brief second and Bray said to him "brother back in" ! It was so cute. Then Bray said to Luke, "Brother, it's nap time, Brayden's tired, It's night night time brother (or bruder as he says". O mi gosh - it was the cutest thing in the world. I went in after that and told the boys in a serious voice to "Settle down, it's night night time". Bray just collapsed on the bed. He was so relieved to be finished with the "obligation" of playing with "bruder". Sweet dreams are made of these....precious, precious times.

A few picutres from their new big boy room (these were all snapped before nap):


Luke before night night:


Deedles before night night:


Daddy and the boys:


A little loving reminder of their "Big Brother Andrew in Heaven":

Night Night

I hesitate to write this because things have been going so well with the big boy beds and I didn't want to jinx anything. The boys are still sleeping okay and aside from the fact that they DO play for a little longer before they fall asleep now, it hasn't become a big issue. *I still have my fingers crossed*. They are just so darned cute in their big boy beds that it just melts my heart everytime I see them. I can't believe how big they are getting and how much they're growing. My little loves. They have just been so good about the transition to beds. I'm so grateful.

Removing the cribs from their room has my mind spinning big time about thoughts of another baby. Could we be that lucky? It's a scary proposition to think of another pregnancy and have thoughts that the baby may not be healthy. On the other hand, I know it doesn't matter b/c we would love him/her just the same. Children are such gifts. What an amazing gift we parents have to be able to hold their lives so close to us. Thank you, God.

It has been an emotional week. Lots of "stuff" going on. Such is life. But God sees us through it - through everything. Without that, how could one continue? I feel so blessed. So loved. So lucky.

I am thinking of not going to the orphanage in Russia. I have already paid my deposit and plane ticket but the thought of leaving the boys without their Mommy is making me very nervous and kind of sick. I do not know if that's fair to them. How could they understand that Mommy wants to do mission work? When they are older, yes. But at 2? They would just know Mommy is gone and I know how much that would affect them because I have seen the way they are when John travels for an extended period. Mission work is extremely important to me - a core value that I hold and that I hope to teach to my children. But is now the right time? To impose an extended absence of Mommy on my little loves I am thinking would be too much for them. 10 days is a long time. I'm confused. I need to continue to pray about and think about it. I want to do what God wants of me.

Angel Day Tomorrow

So tonight is our first night with the big boy beds so we'll see how it goes. They were very involved "helping" daddy put the beds together and they were also excited about their new Thomas the Train sheets, blankets, and pillows. They didn't seem sad in the least bit to say "bye bye" to their cribs. I hope it goes well. Here's to hoping!

It was a long week. John was gone for business for the majority of it and we got some bad news from a woman in our small group. Too much and too sad to write here but it was devastating and really took a toll on me. I also found out that my sister is actively planning to leave her husband so that also really hurts. I just wish they could stick it out. They are going through tough times which is causing a lot of stress on their relationship but I think it will get better. I wish life were less complicated. I want so badly for my loved ones to have it "easy" and to be happy.

Well, tomorrow marks 7 years that little Andrew Richard Fimbel, "Booper" passed away. I miss you more than words baby. Mommy, Daddy, and your brothers all love you very much. Our family will never forget you. You helped us to be a better, stronger family. I think of you all the time. I can't wait to see you again. All of the good things I do in my life are because of you. You made me a better person and you changed me forever. Thank you. I love you. God Speed Little Man. Sweet Dreams Little Man. My love will fly to you each night on Angel's wings. God Speed. Sweet Dreams.

Wise words from a 2 year old

Brayden to Luke today during a tantrum: "Calm down brother"

Brayden to Mommy during tantrum #5 of Luke's (but who's counting) : "Mommy, brother need calm down".

Now if Luke would only listen to the good advice of his brother....man, that was just so cute.

So I have two toddler beds and the goods for their new "big boy room". I have been talking about their new big boy bed to try to prepare them and telling them daddy would put their beds together this weekend. I wasn't sure how much was sinking in but before nap time Luke insisted (screamed) that he wanted his "new bed". I'm not so sure how much he really wants it or if he just wants something to tantrum about. Regardless, I'm running with their eagerness. The transition can't be as bad as people say....right? I am so going to think positive. A friend said it will all be settled in a couple of weeks after the newness of their new digs wears off. That sounds logical to me. They have been driving me crazy anyway with wanting to go in and out of the crib. They can't make up their mind. In, then out, then in again.

Sometimes I just wish the world was more peaceful. Everywhere you turn there seems to be heartache. Our country is at war, children are starving and being abused, a couple in our small group just seperated, the list could go on and on.....God, please come in and fix this mess - okay? I invite you in not only to my life but into everyone else's. They don't know they need you but they desperately do. Deliver us from evil, Lord. We need LOVE. Pure, unselfish love. I thank God for my children. I find peace in their snuggles and their smell. Their laughter and their play. Their curiousity and their openess. And the children shall lead us....

The Escape Artist

OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH DEAR.

So John is away for business. It's about 8:15 on Sunday evening. The boys are safely tucked in bed at 7. I am still feeling sick so I'm in my bed on the computer (planning to go to bed early tonight). My bedroom door is shut and I think I hear something outside my door. It must be my imagination I tell myself. I hear something again. Again I tell myself it can't be. The sound gets louder and louder and I can't deny it anymore - I'm here all alone, the boys are in bed - there must be an intruder in my house. I am scared out of my mind. I muster up the courage to at least get out of bed and confront whoever it is. Before I could open the door, the door opened! I am in shock and awe: It's Luke, looking a bit bewildered, standing there as quiet as a mouse holding his green blankie. I must have looked like a deer in headlights. I was so shocked. I still can't believe it happened. I mean, he's not a tall boy. He's a tiny little guy and I want to know HOW in the heck he crawled out of his crib. AND to top it off he makes his way down our stairs in the dark and to my room without uttering a sound. I swear I never thought this day would come. I even told a friend the other day that "it never occurs to my boys to climb out of the crib". Uh, foot in mouth please. I can't bear the thought of big boy beds. I'm too scared. I've read nightmare stories on the twins message board about how all sleep goes out the window and the twins think its party time at bed time and nap time. My sanity would go in a heart beat. I need my quiet time. And they need their quiet time too! I guess I can try those crib tents. I'm kind of at a loss for what is the best to do. I still can't believe it. I shut the gate at the top of the steps so at least he will not be able to go down the steps himself if he gets out. That is dangerous to have a 26 month old boy going down steps in the dark all by himself. I have TWO monitors and I can't believe I didn't hear a peep when he was climbing out.

Can I pretend like this never happened? I was planning on cribs until close to 3. And so life takes a turn...

When will it be over?

Okay, so I guess it had to get worse before it can get better... still.sick.here.

And I miss my husband tonight. Lots.

Not a great day here. I woke up to one cranky child and one REALLY cranky child. Plus, I wasn't feeling so well myself. We ended up taking the boys to the dr. and I was seen myself. We're all three on antibiotics and Luke & I have ear infections. Luke has also vomitted and has a fever. We're all congested. I just hope to be back to normal soon! I hate seeing my babies sick and don't like being sick myself. John is going out of town tomorrow evening too for a business trip to make things even more fun.

But it could be alot, alot worse and I know that.

We looked at boats today. Bray was excited that we were going to a "boat show". He absolutely adores looking at boats. I think John found the right one for us so we'll see if it works out. Would be very cool. A gift.

I'm probably going to have to cancel small group for Monday which I am not happy about because it was supposed to be our "regrouping" session before getting potential new members. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and then decide. I don't see how I can do it right now. It will all work out.

Last night I came to the realization that in a certain way it is difficult to see Brayden and Luke growing older and seeing their personalities blossom because I realize how much I missed out on with Andrew, my Booper. I wonder what he would be like. We are approaching his death anniversary. Hard to believe it has been 7 years. Seven years since I smelled or touched my baby. Seven years of painful "what ifs". Seven years of wondering what he's doing, how he's doing, is he okay? I have faith that he is and that is the only thing that helps. It seems like so long ago but then in one moment I can have a vivid flashback that takes me back as if it were yesterday. I want to get the bad moments out of my mind but for some reason those are the ones that I think of the most. I often question myself and how I mothered him. I could have been such a better mother. I'm sorry Booper and I miss you. And I love you. And I can't wait to see you again one day. It is because of you that I am a better parent today. It is because of you that I can appreciate every moment, even the moments that drive me crazy, with my children. It is because of you that I am closer to God than I ever dreamed possible. Thank you, precious Booper. My first son and beloved spirit, thank you.

Here's to hoping we'll all feel a little better tomorrow....

Must Blog

A new year, new chance to blog - so it's February and maybe I'm a little late getting started but that's okay. There is no time like the present. I have a longing inside of myself to write and this is the easiest way I know how to do it. I have so much in my life to be thankful for and so many moments that I don't want to forget. I want to make sure that I write it down both for myself and possibly even my children one day.

Today I just want to say that I am thankful for God. That seems like a great way to start. I am so thankful for the miracles that he has worked in my life. My children, my husband, my family, my health. These only scratch the surface. How can I possibly thank Him? How can I put into words what I want to say to Him? His peace and presence in my life has forever changed me and I am grateful. Does this mean that I am perfect? Quite the opposite. I am for sure a work in progress but as long as I keep moving forward and keep growing then I hope to reveal His light to the others in my life. That's all I can hope for.

Luke & Brayden are doing wonderfully. Inquisitive, active, curious, playful....they are all things TWO. Including tantrums. Luke seems to have grown fond of this form of communicating. Screaming, kicking the floor, rolling around....lots of that going on here. I think he is going through some sort of developmental milestone so I am trying to be patient. Lucky for him he's cute as a button. His preschool teacher has informed me that he "is quite the stud" at school and "has a different girl following him around every day". I don't know whether to smile or to be scared out of my mind. They tell me he has a "girlfriend". Okay, two + girlfriend = future trouble? We'll see, I suppose. The kid is the spittin' image of his father and paternal grandfather so he doesn't have a shot. Quite the independent one, that kid. He wants to do everything his "self, self, self".

Brayden is quite the talker. He ALWAYS has something to say and that is no exaggeration. It is sooooo cute and his chatter warms my heart. He likes to narrate what is happening in the room. He likes to refer to himself in the third person. He makes me laugh to no end. Especially when he narrates what is going on with his brother "Brother's tired" he'll say in the middle of a tantrum. Or after I've given Luke to the count of 3 to make the "right choice", he'll give his brother kudos by saying, "Brother good choice". So sweet and so funny. These words, these times I cherish. And I don't want to ever forget. Thank you, Sweet Jesus, thank you.